Just another manic Monday...

Today was one of those weird emotional days, where you don't know why you're weepy, but you just are.

Around 8:30am or so, when I realized it was my baby sister's first day of college, I started tearing up. I sat there and remembered our middle sister and I sitting her down in our play room when she was in pre-school and yelling "Pay attention Katie!" as we wrote out words for her to sound out, or simple math equations for her to solve. When she started bringing home boyfriends, I told my boyfriend that it made me almost sick to my stomach.

"She's too young to have boyfriends!" I exclaimed.
"You started having boyfriends at that age too," he pointed out.
"But she's the baby," I tried to rationalize.

He was actually working close to my work today (he travels for his job), and I was supposed to go visit him over my lunch break. His team finished a lot earlier than usual, so they headed back home before I was able to get off work. I had to run to the bathroom so I wouldn't be crying at my desk.

Then I came home (to my new home) after work, which threw me for a loop. I got lost trying to go the back way (instead of the highway in rush-hour traffic), I couldn't find the grocery store, and when I got here, my room isn't completely put together. I felt sad and alone, and this big change I've felt so positive about for a month now suddenly felt like the completely wrong thing to do.

Basically, this entire day boiled down to me being upset at change. It's hard for me to think of my baby sister going to college, when I feel like it was just yesterday I was there and she was sending me letters about mom and dad fixing hamburgers that night for dinner. Or expecting to see my boyfriend, and having my plans change without my say-so. Or not being familiar with my new area and not having everything in my room in its exact place yet.

It'll all get there. In a way, I'm excited about getting to visit my sister at college and be the "older sister living in the big city." I get to see Matt in four more days, and it's a long weekend, so we'll have more time than usual to spend together. And just like I adjusted when I first moved to this area last year, I'll eventually find the grocery store and gas station. My September part of this project was exactly for this - organizing my new life, getting out there and being more active in my new surroundings.

Here's hoping I don't keep crying over it.

Getting closer...

Only a few days away from my bHappy Project officially beginning! Some updates:

- A guy from Gold's Gym called to confirm my fitness evaluation and free trial membership. Whoo!

- What will make that less mortifying is the fact that I stepped on the scale at my parents' house and found out I've lost eight pounds this past month without even really trying yet.

- Got all moved in today! Matt set up my computer (de-fragged it and did something else, and now it seems to be working again!), so now I can blog from home. I even had time to put away a lot of my stuff so that I won't come home to a room filled with boxes.

- I currently have 13, that's right THIRTEEN, books checked out from the public library. And 10 of them are vegetarian cookbooks. Basically, I'm going through them to "test out" the books...if I find some that I absolutely love and have more than 5 recipes I would immediately try, I can put them on my Amazon wishlist for future presents. I will probably make a book list post at some point, as soon as I have the titles I will be actively using for September.

- I have officially been meat-free for 11 days! Only had two times when I kinda had craving pangs - once when I was leaving Cactus Grill and I could smell the steak next door, and then today, when Matt and I went out to brunch and he had a stack of delicious-looking bacon on his plate. I ignored it though, stuffed a rice ball in my mouth and was fine within a few moments.

- I'm excited because I found out that the Couch to 5K Running Program actually has free podcasts you can download from iTunes to put on your iPod. They're set to music, and will actually tell you when to switch to running or walking. That way, I don't have to worry about trying to time myself, or actually carry the workout plan with me to tell me what to do. It's even more fun for iPhone users (I'm looking at you mom!) because the C25K has several low-cost apps that do your timing, lets you sync up your own music with the program, etc.

Lost my blogging streak...

A panicked Facebook wall post from my sister reminded me that I didn't update yesterday. Whoops. In all fairness to myself, the project hasn't technically started yet, so I'm still good with my resolution of blogging daily. =P I mainly started the blog early so I could get into the groove of finding time to write every day. It still bums me out that I forgot yesterday though...I was on such a roll!

Today is moving day. I took my last load of random stuff and bedding over to the new house yesterday, and now all that is left at the old house is my desk, chair, entertainment stand, TV, and dust bunnies. Matt and I will be shipping out around 9 to head back to the KC area, take the two loads of furniture over, take advantage of him being there by forcing sweetly asking him to set up all electric-themed items, then I'm taking him out to lunch for helping me move.

Frankly? I'm super excited about moving. It's nice that I will still be in the same general area, just in a new place. So I get to re-organize, have a nice "fresh start" for my project, and I will also be living very close to one of my old co-workers, so I am hoping that will prompt us to start hanging more.

(I will try to post something of more substance tomorrow, when I have time. This was kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants update, more than an actual blog entry.)

On moving forward...

Today's Note From the Universe:

Sure, there have been surprises. Some, not so fun.

But you have to admit, Barbara, with hindsight, moving forward was actually easy.

And there have been surprises that suddenly changed your entire life for the better, and there will be many more. Jumanji, baby.

Something worth remembering,
The Universe

I’ll be up in the gym, just working on my fitness!

I am excited that I have two plans for the “fitness” part of next month’s resolutions. First off, I follow a blog called Money Saving Mom. They advertised a deal with Gold’s Gym for a 7-Day Free VIP Membership! This includes a free preliminary fitness evaluation and 7 days free use of Gold’s Gym. There are also group fitness classes (such as kick-boxing, pilates, etc.) you can sign up for. I signed up, made a fitness evaluation appointment for September 1st, and printed out my coupon to take with me. Now, if I am going to be honest, I do not have extra in the monthly budget to be able to afford a gym membership. Especially when running, my Yoga DVDs, and 3lb. weights are free. I am taking advantage of the offer though, because 1) it’s free, 2) the fitness evaluation will give me a jump-start to what I need to do to start exercising regularly and show what my beginning stats are, and 3) see how I like Gold’s Gym for a possible future membership when I have some of my debt paid off. (Most of my local friends who have gym memberships go to 24-Hour Fitness, so I am curious to see what Gold's Gym is like.)

My second plan is the Couch to 5K Challenge. It is a 9-week running program that "has been designed to get just about anyone from the couch to running 5 kilometers or 30 minutes in just 9 weeks." By alternating running and walking, and slowly building up to the eventual 5K, a lot of people have found success by gradually warming up to the idea of running. I have always toyed around with the idea of beginning to run, as it’s free, something I can do in the mornings before work, and it’s a stress-reliever. (Which I desperately need!) I was just nervous because I have never run before. I am a walker. I only run if I’m trying to get to the other side of the street before the crosswalk timer ends or something scary is chasing me. So the C25K Challenge got me excited…I could do this!

Let's hear it for the boy (and fam!)...

“That’s the risk you take if you change: that people you’ve been involved with won’t like the new you. But other people who do will come along.”
– Lisa Alther, author

Matt (the boyfriend) and I are not without our rough periods. It took a long time to get to where we are today, and we’re continually working on our relationship. (I think that’s a good thing! Never become too complacent with how things are, or one day, you’ll wake up and realize you don’t know the person standing beside you.) However, I can confidently say that now, I have a wonderful, kind, understanding, committed boyfriend who is always concerned with my happiness.

“I’m starting a happiness project! And a blog!” – me
“That’s awesome, baby, I’m excited for you!” – Matt

“I’m going to start running!” – me
“I’m proud of you!” - Matt

“I’m becoming a vegetarian!” – me
“Uhh…I can still eat meat, right?” – Matt (well, I didn't say he was perfect)
“Sure! This is my choice.” – me
“That’s great baby, I’m proud of you!” – Matt

See? Other than some light teasing every once in a while about the vegetarian thing, every crazy proclamation I have thrown at him the last few weeks has resulted in him being supportive, excited for me, and eager to help. Which brings me to the quote I posted: sometimes, the fear of how people will respond to your “big change” is scarier than the change itself. It is difficult to tell someone else that you dislike something about yourself, point out your flaws, and then announce that you are going to try and change them. First off, flaws feed our insecurities. Why put those insecurities out there for someone else to focus on? Secondly, you’re announcing that you’re going to change them. What if you fail? Then everyone knows.

I was terrified of announcing to Matt that I was starting something that sounds as silly as “a happiness project,” much less putting it on the internet for people to see. I was nervous about telling my family. I am a pretty independent person. I keep my stuff to myself most of the time. So to tell everyone that I want to make all these changes, put it on the internet, and involve them too, well…it’s a little nerve-wracking. You’d be surprised though at how much the people who love you will support you. Matt has been easy-going about purchasing his own meat and waiting a little longer at meals so I can fix my own “fake” meat or meat-less version of what I'm fixing for him. When I mentioned my blog to my family, my mom and dad immediately sat down to read it. Both of them, plus my younger sister, have started following me on their Google Readers. (Hi guys!)

Change is scary. The ones you love and who love you embracing your change and cheering you on makes it a lot less scary. Thank you guys.

I'll be working here forever, at least until I die...

Today was one of those days that tested my patience. It's funny because I'm not even working on some of my "resolutions" yet since I haven't technically started my project, but some of them are always swirling in my head. So today, it was one thing after another, and yet, I kept calming myself down. Getting upset at the phone continually ringing, and then reminding myself it wasn't that important. Getting frustrated because Matt's cell signal kept dropping when I was trying to vent to him, then reminding myself it wasn't his fault. Getting overwhelmed at my to-do list, then reminding myself I do this everyday and it's not enough to get stressed over.

I originally planned on a night of running stuff over to my new house, but after one carload, I decided my mental health was more important and spent the evening with my friend/co-worker Heidi. We got dinner, shopped at Whole Foods, and had an awesome low-key evening. I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow and get everything done and hopefully, be less stressed.

Expanding on September's resolutions...

September is ENERGIZE

Theme Song: “Watch Me Shine” – Joanna Pacitti

- Organize/To Do List
- Blog daily.
- Healthy Body.

Theme Song: First off, I love this song. For you fellow chick-flick watchers out there, it's the big "blonde power montage theme" from the movie Legally Blonde. It is on every workout/motivation playlist I have ever created, so I thought it would be fitting for my "get organized/get fit and healthy/get excited for this project" first month.

Organize/To Do List: Once I move into my new place this coming weekend, I will compile a to-do list that I plan to cross everything off of by the end of the month, organize my new room, hall closet, and kitchen space, and organize every nook and cranny I can find in my life. I will stop putting off organizing my car trunk, I need to clean out all my clothes and shoes, etc. Nicer items will be added to the garage sale pile in my old closet at my parents' house, and the rest will put points towards my karma by being donated at my local Goodwil/shelter.

Blog daily: So far, so good, and September hasn't even started yet! This does not necessarily mean long posts. I may just update a quick blurb with a quote I have been thinking of lately, or something I noticed that I want to bring attention to.

Healthy Body: Ah yes. This includes both fitness and diet.

First off, I became a vegetarian this past week. It actually wasn't too much of a struggle. I rarely eat meat during the week, and for the most part, eat meat-less meals when we go to restaurants on the weekends. However, to save money and eat healthier, my boyfriend and I have stopped going out and instead, cook all meals at his place on the weekends. I gave up meat for both the health and ethical aspects. If someone wants to actually talk to me about my reasonings, I will gladly share it with them, otherwise, I am not going to push my new beliefs on others. I happily fixed a sausage pizza for Matt alongside the tomato pizza for myself Friday night (as long as he purchased the meat!), and today, I'm fixing him meatball subs, while I fix a smaller pot of veggie "meat"balls for myself. So we're making it work, and I find it is only difficult when I think "oh, I CAN'T have this," rather than realize I make a lot of the same diet choices, now I'm just choosing to go meatless more often.

I purchased a nice food processor yesterday, and had Matt and my dad help me get all of my kitchen appliances/cookware out of the storage unit to put at my new place. I have been compiling tasty vegetarian recipes (I actually want to do this the right, healthy way, not become the vegetarian who gives up meat and only eats mac'n'cheese, French fries, and cheese pizza all the time.) in a recipe binder I made, and I am hoping by having all of these things around me, it inspires me to cook all the time.

The fitness one is something I will be working on as I go along. I would like to start running, but since I haven't run in...*mumbles something intelligible*...I think I should do a couple weeks of power walking before I step it up.

In the midst of all this, I am adding books to my reading list to brush up on life organization, fitness, vegetarianism, cooking, etc. I'm getting excited for my new life!

Just what I needed...

I subscribe to a daily email service called Notes from the Universe. When you sign up, you fill in your name, some goals you have, etc. Everyday, it sends you a personalized "reminder of your power, life's magic, and how much you're loved."

Today's was:

"If you want better from others, Barbara, be better yourself."

Exactly my goal with this project. =)

My Commandments...

1) Be me.
2) Wherever you go, there you are.
3) Forget the past.
4) Begin within.
5) Count your blessings.
6) Don’t worry, be happy.
7) Be fearless.
8) Remember love.
9) You can’t take it with you.
10) Enjoy the journey.


1) “Be me.” Gretchen Rubin’s first commandment is “Be Gretchen.” I feel like I cannot have “Be Barbara” though, because the people who call me Barbara are mostly co-workers, strangers, acquaintances, etc. My family, boyfriend, and close friends call me Barbie. I have various other nicknames by other people, each reflecting how I am with them. So I chose “Be me.” A major theme in Gretchen’s book is how we like or do a lot of things that be think we should like or do, because that is more sophisticated, accepted, etc. This commandment is for me to be myself and only like and do things that I want to do. Frankly, I cannot stand most indie music that all the "intellectuals" listen to. Music is my happy, comfort retreat. I don’t want to listen to a guy in thick-rimmed glasses and an American Apparel henley strumming on his acoustic about peace or war. Honestly, I want to listen to Taylor Swift sing about Romeo and Juliet or Miley Cyrus sing about the 7 things she hates/loves about Nick Jonas. This one, while it’s a continual work in progress, is something I’ve actually worked on a lot in the past year. I am more myself than I ever have been, and that makes me genuinely happy because I’m not trying to change for anyone else.

2) “Wherever you go, there you are.” My pa-pa used to say this all the time. Sometimes just at random after you’d finish telling him a story. When I was younger, I didn’t quite understand it. I just thought it was one of those funny grown up sayings that got a big chuckle out of the other grown ups in the room. Now that my Barbies and Easy Bake Oven aren’t the most important things in my life, I realize that it’s about working with what you’ve got. Wherever you go, wherever you are in life…well, that’s where you are. Deal with it. You can’t close your eyes and magically wish you were something/someone/somewhere else. Deal with what you have and make the most of it, because there you are.

3) “Forget the past.” This will be my mantra throughout October, when I’m working on my relationship with my boyfriend. And something I’ll go over more then. Just know that I’m working on it, and though the past helps you not repeat mistakes, you also have to live in the moment and not dwell on things that are not the same as they once were. It’s pointless.

4) “Begin within.” This is a spin off Michael Jackson’s epic song about taking a look in the mirror and starting with that, instead of pointing fingers at someone else. Whenever I have a problem, I need to begin within. Figure out why I’m upset about it, what I can do to change it. The biggest thing I’ve learned in the last two years is that you can only change one person on this planet, and that’s yourself.

5) “Count your blessings.” I live penny-to-penny, yes. I complain about having to save up money for my boyfriend’s birthday present or having to turn down an extra vacation with old college friends because I cannot afford it. What I should be thinking of instead is that my paycheck covers everything. I’m able to afford a car payment, gas, full coverage auto and renter’s insurance, two student loans, credit card bill (which I do not use anymore and am just paying off, thanks to Dave Ramsey!), a cell phone with internet and texting, rent with utilities, groceries, and have enough left over TO save for birthday presents, future trips, etc. And if an emergency pops up where I need extra money? I’m blessed with parents who are always willing to help out. A lot of people in this world don’t have that…and for that, I am truly blessed.

6) “Don’t worry, be happy.” I need to stop stressing, over-analyzing, and worrying. What good does it do me?

7) “Be fearless.” I was inspired by the idea of being fearless so much that I tattooed it on my ankle to be reminded of it forever. A lot of people make fun of my tattoo, because I’m a nervous, scaredy-cat that took forever to even tell my parents about my tattoo. To them, that isn’t the definition of fearless. And to go along with commandment #1 and quoting someone who I love, Taylor Swift says it best: "To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost." And so on. =)

8) “Remember love.” I think most people in relationships get swept up in the day-to-day monotony of being in one that they forget why they’re together in the first place. Love. Is it really worth my aggravation when my boyfriend complains about how tired he is, then stays up until 4 in the morning anyway? Or worth me getting frustrated and taking that out on him when his kid’s mom doesn’t show up again? Or me flying off the handle when he sits there waiting for me to get ready to go somewhere, then when I'm ready, we have to wait 10 minutes for him to find shoes and socks and keys? No. I still love him, that’s not going to change. And what does me being angry solve? Nothing.

9) “You can’t take it with you.” I’m a saver. I save things. That bottle of Clinique Happy perfume I bought with my 16th birthday money? As my first bottle of “grown up perfume,” I’ve clung to it for years. Used it 4 times in 6 years: junior and senior proms, high school and college graduations. It’s “the good stuff” and I don’t want to waste it on normal days when I can use cheaper body spray. But why? Why not make every day special? When I die, what’s the use of leaving behind a ¾ filled bottle of perfume that I didn’t get to appreciate? You can’t take it with you, so might as well enjoy it while you can.

10) “Enjoy the journey.” My biggest struggle. My dad told me in college that I practically refuse to see “the middle stuff.” My brain is so focused on the final at the end of the semester, that I can’t take the class day-by-day and do what needs to be done to get there. Same with life. I feel this intense need to solve every possible issue my boyfriend and I could have RIGHT NOW, because what happens when we’re married? First off, that’s not for 2+ years. Why waste the precious dating years we have with worrying about custody, and kids, and what city we’re going to live in? Eventually, we have to solve those things, but since we’ve decided we’re doing “forever,” we really don’t have to solve them right now. Enjoy the journey, and stop focusing on the end.

The Plan...

I am very influenced by music and lyrics. Put on a happy song and I’ll become happier, put on a depressing song, and I’ll think about something sad from 2 years ago that I have gotten over, but yet I’ll sit there and be depressed. You get the picture. Music also motivates me – I have tons of playlists on my computer for different moods. Working out, calming, in love, etc. So I decided to have music play a large theme in the bHappy Project (the title style of which also mimics the Apple trend of iTunes, iPod, etc.) and assign a song to each month’s theme to motivate me. I also liked Gretchen Rubin’s idea in The Happiness Project to use the word “resolutions,” instead of “goals.” Once you hit a goal, you’re there. You don’t work towards it any longer, unless you set a new goal to follow. Resolutions are something you resolve to do and stick with.

So here is how the bHappy Project will be structured:
- Each month has a theme.
- Each month has a motivational song that ties in with the theme.
- Within each theme, I will have a set of “resolutions” to work on that month that tie in with the theme.
- Each month (since one of my recent ideas for free fun that I love to do was get a public library card), I will be reading books that tie into my theme, which I will also discuss in my blog.
- Randomly, I will post lyrics, quotes, inspiring ideas, etc., that I come across that helps in my motivation. You will soon realize I love quotes. Love them. I have sticky notes displayed in my room with inspiring quotes, I have multiple Word documents on my computer filled with random quotes, etc. I love dwelling on an idea that helps change or reinforce my mood or ideas.
- Some (like Gretchen Rubin) would think that starting “a year of change” would begin in January. I have been in school for 17 out of my 24 years. Though I graduated college almost two and a half years ago (that thought makes me want to throw up, time flies so fast!), I still have the “school year” mentality. Every September, it was a fresh start. New school supplies, new teachers, new things to learn. I have never looked at January as the start of anything but a new calendar year and resolutions I would break within 2 weeks. September is when I always start fresh, make lasting changes, and start a year of difference. So luckily, that fits perfectly with my project that I decided this in August. So my “new year” is starting September 1st.

I will only be posting one month’s theme and resolutions at a time, when the month is nearing. After I planned out the themes for the year, I found myself wanted to tackle them all, so I put away the list to try and “forget” what the rest of the year looks like so I can concentrate on one month’s resolutions at a time.

On to September...

September: ENERGIZE
Theme Song: “Watch Me Shine” – Joanna Pacitti

- Organize/To Do List
- Blog daily.
- Healthy Body.

Behind the bHappy Project...

For the past month or so, I have wanted a change. I am moving to the next suburb over in a week and a half and I decided that would be my start date. Moving into a house with better airflow (hence not being so discouraged to go running or walking outside in 100-degree weather just to come back to an 80-degree house), and more space (I will have room to drag my college kitchen appliances out of storage and actually use them to prepare healthy food other than grilled cheese sandwiches and Spaghetti-O’s), and cheaper rent ($150 extra per month for more fruits and veggies, to put towards a Polar USA fitness watch/blender/food processor), and overall, the feeling of “a fresh start.”

Piggy-backing on my desire to learn how to cook things other than grilled cheese sandwiches and pasta bakes, exercise to burn off the past year of grilled cheese sandwiches and pasta bakes (see this theme of grilled cheese…I seriously probably have about 5-7 a week), and be healthy in general….I want to be happier. I was telling my boyfriend the other night about this. I’m not unhappy, per se, because my life isn’t miserable. Oh, of course, it sometimes seems like my check engine light comes on the same day I was late for work, have an expensive doctor’s appointment, and have $5.63 in my banking account, making me sob inconsolably into the phone about how much my life sucks. Let’s be real though…those days are few and far between. And I’m still here. I still have enough money for rent, and food, and car payments, and student loans, and the occasional movie and dinner combo date. I feel stressed though – constantly rushing, always adding to that mental list rotating through my brain of stuff I want to do “one day.” When does “one day” actually happen? May 17th, 2025? Is that “one day?” Probably not. I will probably greet that day with my list and realize I’m dropping a kid off somewhere, harping on my husband to go to the dentist, coming home to a messy house, and exhausted from work. I, once again, will say “I’ll do these one day, but not today.”

Enter my happiness project. In the midst of me feeling like something has to change – I need to be happier in my day-to-day, stop getting frustrated/annoyed/stressed about little things, be nicer to the people in my life who truly try to make it easier (see mainly: boyfriend, God love him), and be able to do the things I’ve always wanted to do but just never made time for. So all these thoughts and wishes were swirling around in my brain when I got an email from the library saying one of the books on my hold list was available. Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. I had added it to my list a month prior when I was trying to improve my daily happiness. I’ve blazed through it this past week. Gretchen is a lawyer-turned-writer, who decided to devote a year to becoming “happier.” Each month had a theme broken down into individual resolutions that she worked on, trying to carry each month’s resolutions into the next month. By the end of the year, she would have clean closets, make more time to play with her kids, not nag her husband, etc. My OCD mind with my love for writing was instantly hooked. So “My bHappy Project” was born.

This blog will follow my efforts in the next year to become a happier person. In the next few posts, I’ll outline my monthly themes for the year, the “commandments” I came up with to live by, and a few other random lists. Because as we go on, you’ll see I love lists. They make me happy, thus, they’re definitely a big part of the bHappy Project.

So here I go…