I'm baaaaaaaack....

Baby ain't it somethin,'
How we lasted this long?
You and me,
Provin' everyone wrong.
Don't think we'll ever
Get our differences patched;
Don't really matter
'Cause we're perfectly matched.
- "Opposites Attract," Paula Abdul

Wow, the month is almost over. I've had major computer issues, and while I used to be able to blog from my work computer during lunch or before work, I have been SO busy this month (a co-worker is out on medical leave), that if I am sitting in front of my computer, I'm doing work. Frantically. End of story. Anyway, I traded in my old computer (I know, again) and bought a super cheap refurbished laptop on BestBuy.com. Doesn't have a lot of bells and whistles, but I'm out of school obviously, and just need it for internet and photo uploading. So now I can continue blogging regularly!

Even though I only have a week left of this month's resolutions, I'll go over what I put in my introduction post. And while I haven't been blogging, I have been trying to still work with my resolutions. So, since it's bee weeks since my last post, a refresher: Proofs of Love; Forget the Past; Love, as Is; Talk, Share, Explain.

- Proofs of Love: Matt and I don't get to see each other very often, and so I think we have to work harder at our relationship than a lot of couples because we only have two days a week to see each other, spend time together, and the rest of the week's communication is solely through talking on the phone and texting. And we're both on a limited budget, but I wanted to start doing small "proofs of love"...where I show that I care in small ways that still mean a lot. One Sunday, he left early for work, and before I left that evening, I made his bed, put away all his clean laundry, picked up his room, and left a paper that said "I love you!" sitting on his computer keyboard, where he was sure to see it when he came home. Of course, when he came home later that week, he had two friends with him that made fun of him as soon as they saw the note, but he made sure to tell me on the phone that night how much it had meant to him and he still has it. =) This past weekend, I was out of town all weekend...the night before I left, I fixed a pasta bake for him to have in the fridge all weekend so he'd have something to eat. Just little small things, but that meant a lot to him.

- Forget the Past: The biggest one I struggle with. I was planning on having a long "story of us" post, which I would still like to do, but probably will not come until next week. Reader's Digest Version: this is the second half of our relationship and the first half wasn't great. He broke my heart last year, we went through a lot, then got back together right before the new year. This year, he's completely different. Such an amazing, wonderful boyfriend that sometimes it's hard to believe he's the same person (even he thinks that)...but the fact is, he is the same person (literally, not figureatively like now), and sometimes I struggle with the hurt from last year that I sometimes cannot seem to shake off. More on that later, because I have been reading a lot of "zen" stuff lately on forgiveness that I want to share.

- Love, as Is: Kind of jokingly, I made this month's theme song "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul. Funnily enough, the lyrics are exactly us. He's loud, I can be more quiet. He's messy, I'm clean. He loves movies, I'm addicted to TV series. In person though, before you get to all that stuff, we are very different. He has a lip ring, has a mohawk off and on, wears gamer shirts and DC skater shoes. I'm more preppy and wear suits to work. The differences don't bother me and I rarely notice them until they're pointed out to me. We have different opinions a lot of the time because of how we were raised and the things we've experienced in life, and different interests that cause us to want to spend our time differently. We frustrate each other to no end, and sometimes I ask him to change his shirt before going to a family function, or ask if he'll do something a certain way, etc. At the end of the day though, I still love him, and wearing a zombie t-shirt to Easter isn't going to change that.

- Talk, Share, Explain: Even though I'm a girl, I suck at the communicating thing. When I'm upset or angry, I just shut down and shut people out. One of the ways I've been trying to work on our relationship is actually talking about issues, sharing what I'm upset about, and explain why I feel a certain way.

A conversation a few weeks ago...

"You're being mean." - Matt
"So?" - me
"I thought this month was about me!" - Matt
"Shut up." - me

But when we get together, it just all works out...

October: LOVE
Theme Song: "Opposites Attract" - Paula Abdul

- Proofs of love
- Forget the past
- Love, as is.
- Talk, share, explain.

More on those resolutions this weekend. =P

September Wrap-Up

My computer froze and then wouldn't re-boot last night, RIGHT in the middle of my September recap post. Work has been way too busy this week to try to blog on my lunch hour, so here's a short recap a day late:

Theme: Energize

• Organize: This was a resolution I did very well at! I knocked out my to-do list, got my entire room at the new place unpacked and organized, gave myself 3-5 small tasks to finish each day, and managed to get all my boxes of "give away/sell" stuff out of the closet at my parents' house and it is in my Oma's garage sale this weekend!
• Blog: This was a big frustration. I originally planned on blogging daily, but between getting sick, having computer malfunctions, and the pressure of having to blog daily, I wasn't able to. I think I am going to make this resolution a little flexible for the rest of the project and only blog a few times a week when I really want to, that way I'm not just posting fluff. And if I'm unable to because of technical reasons, then I won't be stressing out that I can't.
• Healthy Body: I haven't actually weighed myself, but I've made a lot of progress in trying to eat healthier. I'm eating less processed foods and cooking a lot more. I usually eat vegetarian during the week, and then eat meat on the weekends when I'm eating with Matt or my family. Working out wise, I did the 1-week trial at Gold's Gym and loved it. I can get pretty cheap monthly discounts at my local gyms, but I haven't committed to anything yet, because I worry about locking myself into a 1-year contract. I need to try to see if anyone offers month-to-month contracts.

Overall, it wasn't a perfect first month, but I did feel a lot more organized and I'm learning more in the kitchen, reading labels at the grocery store, and looking forward to the next year of resolutions!

Crossing fingers and toes!

I'm hoping that the shenenigans with my home computer are over. For now, at least. *crosses fingers* It seems to be working now.

I like being able to bring home a small to-do list every night of stuff I want to get done. It's much more manageable than having a huge, long to-do list staring at you every day. So each day during work, I write 3-5 tasks on a Post-It and cross them off during the evening. I try to get them done before I get settled on my bed with a book or in front of a TV. Especially stuff like laundry - throw it in immediately when I get home from work, that way I can get it dried and hung up before bedtime.

My college roommate and I had a long (almost 2 hour!) talk last night, just catching up. We discussed how we're both trying to eat more "whole foods"...as in, no processed stuff. Or if you buy something in the store, it's ingredient list is short and you actually can tell what the words are. I told her how I try to cook more now and we're both lucky that we have boyfriends who don't really care what we put in front of them. As long as Matt doesn't have to cook it, he's fine with whatever is served. I slowly have been trying new recipes and subbing healthier options in for things I used to eat. When I made Matt his birthday French toast breakfast, I used whole grain eco-friendly bread with natural peanut butter, and only drizzled a small amount of the sugar-free syrup we got. (I could have gotten the pure maple syrup, but that stuff has about 40-50 grams of sugar tablespoon. Since I'm sensitive to sugar, I decided it was best to go with the fake stuff in this instance, haha.)

Pretty soon, I'll be posting about next month's resolutions and goals and I will also be doing a reflective look back on the past month.

They say it's your birthday...

Today is Matt's birthday, so the weekend has been full of plans. Did his annual birthday trip to BD's Mongolian BBQ, then actually skipped out on the movie. We took my baby sister to the local gamer shop, where they played some kind of board game while I caught up with friends. Today I fixed French toast for his birthday breakfast (even after he smashed my foot with a computer chair)...Texas toast and syrup for him, and whole grain bread with peanut butter for me...then my parents had him over for a big birthday dinner. He did good on the presents haul, haha, and then when we dropped a load of garage sale stuff at my grandma's, she gave him a printer!

This next week will be my last week of "Energize" month, and then we'll be heading into new October resolutions! =)

Thank George It's Friday!

I'm really tired of my home computer not working 3/4 of every month. And for some reason, it's just me. Whenever I take it to my boyfriend to look at, or even my friend's boyfriend to look at...it's fine. They think I'm making up these problems. So Matt may actually buy mine off me which would give me enough money to buy a small refurbished Netbook. So with my computer not working the past week, and being too busy at work to blog beforehand, I've fallen behind in blog-ville. Cue the tiny violins...

I managed to eat pretty healthy this week though and have been trying to be active. I've been majorly working on my to-do list, and hope to get some more accomplished this weekend - we are having a garage sale the first weekend of October, so I have to pull all my piles from my old closet at my parents house and mark them for the sale. Hopefully will get some dolla dollar bills y'all!

I'm not dead!

"I found that every single successful person I've ever spoken to had a turning point and the turning point was where they made a clear, specific, unequivocal decision that they were not going to live like this anymore. Some people make that decision at 15 and some people make it at 50 and most never make it at all."

- Brian Tracy

(I am, once again, experiencing technical difficulties. My home computer is being funky and I haven't been able to boot it up all week, hence the lack of blogging.)

From Post Secret.

Not a perfect kind of happy...

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

The Sound of Silence

*Unrelated note: I was out sick yesterday, so therefore, no blog post. I thought about posting something really quick yesterday to stick with the whole “blogging daily” resolution, but decided to just stay in bed. That decision made me happy, and as this is a happiness project, I stand behind it. =P

I kind of debated posting about this, but I decided to anyway…blogs are supposed to be about sharing yourself, having an outlet. Beginning a happiness project is a big step for me, in many ways. First off, as I mentioned in a previous post, putting yourself out there is a step all in itself. Secondly, being happy on a day-to-day basis is difficult for me. In my sophomore year of college, I was diagnosed with clinical depression.

Depression is a difficult thing to talk about. It’s even more difficult for people who do not suffer from depression to understand it. I remember after I went to the doctor, was prescribed anti-depressants, and started going to a therapist, my dad asked me why I was depressed and needed to go on anti-depressants. I remember replying, “I don’t know, I just am,” and walking away. It was extremely difficult for me to talk to my parents about it. I think a lot of it was that I was 19 years old, and still saw them as parents, and not necessarily as people to confide in. And I definitely know that part of it was that I was ashamed in breaking down and finally having to ask for help in something I couldn’t handle on my own.

Somewhere along the line in life, I had gotten it into my head that I needed to be on top of everything, all the time. I was the responsible student in school that teachers always paired with the “problem kids," because they knew that with me, projects would get done. I was the oldest child at home, and therefore, had more responsibilities. When my dad was deployed after 9/11, I became the second parent at 17 years old. I signed permission slips for my sisters, I would walk past my mom glued to the news on TV with a laundry basket on my hip, and I would do my homework in the kitchen so I could help out with dinner. I was the responsible, dependable one, and I always felt that I had to shoulder my own burdens, as well as everyone else’s. (Deployment was hard on all of us, and I've never blamed my mom or even been upset for taking more responsibility when my dad was gone. I just wish we all would have been able to talk more during those times, because I think we were all upset, but trying too hard to stay strong for each other. This resulted in all of us having a more difficult time with it.) Let me clarify that no one told me this is how it had to be, it’s just how I felt. Looking back, I know that if I would have gone up to someone and asked for help, they would have given it. Because if you fast-forward to me at 19, breaking down after Thanksgiving break because the thought of driving back to college and spending one more second there made it hard for me to breathe, my parents stepped in and everything came down. I still have the emails they sent me the rest of the semester: my dad checking in on me every day, my mom asking me to tell her what was wrong.

It was still hard to talk to them though. When I told my dad, “I don’t know, I just am,” I knew how I felt, but I didn’t know how to tell him that. I didn’t know how to tell my parents that I literally could not find the strength to just get out of bed in the morning. How the second I passed the “Welcome to Columbia” sign of my alma mater, my stomach clenched and this drowning feeling came over me. How I was barely getting by in school because when I went to class, the words just swam in front of me as I fought back tears every day. How the one thing in the entire world that I wanted was to just go home.

Over Christmas break, when I started therapy and medication, I sat down with my mom and dad to discuss options, because I didn’t want to go back to school; I wanted to transfer back to the college in my hometown. Telling me it was my choice and they would support whatever I decided to do lifted so much off my shoulders. Just hearing that I could make that decision if I wanted to relieved me so much that I ended up staying at my current university, because I was able to choose to stay there. That was the first thing that saved me. The second was my roommate. I will tell you that it is the hardest thing in the world to be depressed and share a 13x13 room with another person. Emily Ann would literally walk into the room when I was laying in bed, throw on the light, and say, “Ok, you’re going to the movies with us. Put some damn clothes on.” Or, “No, you can’t skip Krysta’s holiday party, you’re coming. Put some damn clothes on.” And my favorite, “I swear to God, if I hear Sound of Silence one more time, I’m throwing your laptop out the window. And God, put some damn clothes on!” (Not that I was running around depressed and naked or anything, I was just living in pajamas.) Once I was out of my room and around my friends, I felt above water again for a little while…but the second I stepped back in my dorm room, I was instantly dragged down into the drowning feeling again.

I never had one lightning bolt that zapped me back into being ok again. It was a bunch of little things, one thing at a time. I went to 6 therapy sessions, and then felt ok enough to stop. I was on Zoloft for 6 months, and hated the way I felt on it, so I took myself off. I switched majors, Emily Ann and I moved off-campus into an apartment, I got a job, and became more involved with campus activities. And slowly, little by little, I stopped drowning.

The thing about depression though is, it never goes away. It’s not something you can “cure.” It’s always there, in the back of my mind, and when I get too stressed out or overwhelmed, I can feel the waves gently lapping around my ankles, threatening to pull me back under again. People who have never struggled with depression don't know what it feels like. They just think you are really sad...I cannot even describe the complete hopelessness and utter defeat you feel during depression. How much it feels like drowning.  I remember when my best friend told me she had been diagnosed with depression and explained the exact same sensation. I’m not crazy, I remember thinking, this drowning feeling is real. My therapist had me bring in my old journals one session, and I sat and went through all of them and realized this went back further than I thought. I was depressed in high school, just didn’t know how to vocalize it or understand what it was.

Fast forward to today…I’ve slipped back down a few times since college. Right after graduating, adjusting back to living with my parents, having no friends left in my hometown, and looking for a job was very difficult. Then enter my relationship with Matt. He also struggles with depression, and has had a very difficult life, so us trying to make a relationship work at first without communicating anything was like mixing oil and water. We broke up for about 4 months and got back together (obviously), but the breakup was extremely hard on me, as was the memories of how he was last year compared to the amazing person he’s become this year. So there has been a lot of struggle, but I think we are finally getting to a point where everything is more settled. I’ve started talking to my parents more. I cannot expect them to know what I am thinking or feeling if I don’t tell them. And time after time, they’ve surprised me by rallying behind me when I finally get up the nerve to discuss something hard with them. So every talk gets a little bit easier. In my opinion, I’ve changed a lot over the past year, and am constantly trying to figure myself out and be happy with that. Enter the bHappy Project, where I wanted to start improving my life little by little and making it a goal to be happy on a day-to-day basis. That’s a little difficult for someone prone to depression, but I have never wanted to be someone who let themselves fall back into that place and stay there. It’s too hard. Happiness is even harder, but the outcome is better.

Trying to sneak into the food blogging world...

My work snack.

I finally found Peanut Butter & Co! (The health food section at Hy-Vee.) I chose the Dark Chocolate Dreams, because as much as I love white chocolate, the White Chocolate Wonderful does not appeal to me as a peanut butter option. So, true opinion here: I love peanut butter. And I freaking love chocolate. Together, as in a Reese's Pieces, it's my favorite taste combination ever. But this? After weeks of searching for it and seeing it on countless blogs, I was a little let-down. I much prefer the standard peanut butter taste with my fruit. I'm looking forward to using it other ways (with oatmeal, etc.), but as of right now, I'm a little let down. Oh well, it's not horrible.

I've slowly been collecting recipes and health tips from blogs the past few months, and I'm trying out my first one...Oats in a Jar! The idea is to take jars of peanut butter (or other nut spreads) and use the almost empty jar as a way to eat your oatmeal. This way, you can use up the stuff sticking to the sides of the jar, and also not have to wash a dish!

My OIAJ.

Mine was plain oats, a splash of almond milk, sliced banana, and some cacao nibs sprinkled on top. Very tasty! Only downside is that I wasn't planning on doing this until I was mostly through with my jar of Skippy Natural, so there isn't much left in the jar. =/ Boo.

 Oh...and OIAJ for dinner? Well, I woke up this morning around 5:30 with horrible stomach pains, and debating going into work because I felt so sick. I cowboy'd up and went in, but nothing has really sounded good all day. I managed to choke down a couple bananas and some green tea once I got to work, and then splurged a little and got some tomato basil soup from Jason's Deli. Tonight, oatmeal was the only thing that really sounded good. I also am planning Food Blog Staple #3 tonight and attempting banana "soft serve" with my new food processor. We'll see how it goes!

Organization continued...

Once I get going, I don't stop!

Dropped my car off for repairs (my boyfriend's roommate backed into it last week), transferred and re-filled a prescription, did all the grocery shopping, made dinner PLUS a couple sets of stir-frys to portion out into lunches for the week, uploaded the pictures from my camera to the computer, and ran by the library.

Health-wise, this weekend was kind of a bust. We only ate out once though, which is good, and it was just for a snack. Otherwise, I fixed dinner Friday night (two veggie sides and pigs in a blanket), went to the Tattoo Party Saturday and ate potluck food, then had leftovers on Sunday, plus my now-Matt's-absolute-favorite toasted mozzarella & tomato sandwiches. Not TOO bad on paper, the thing that made it bad was the two pieces of leftover pumpkin cheesecake I consumed, in addition to a piece of spice cake at the potluck and a bowl of Cocoa Puffs last night. SHEESH. I hopped right back up on the wagon today though! Bananas and peanut butter for breakfast, toasted sandwich for lunch, apple and peanut butter for snack, and veggie stir-fry over brown rice for dinner. I'm pleasantly full, but not stuffed.

I already have a to-do list working for this week, in addition to completing my major to-do list for the month that I shall post at some point this week...

On being you...

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are." 
- Rachel Naomi Remen

Weekend check-in...

Didn't have internet access yesterday. Boo.

Today was spent at a friend's parent's house, where the boyfriend got his first tattoo. This guy has been featured on the Discovery Channel and tattoos for two weeks every year at Sturgis. He's moving back north next month, and we decided to have a "Tattoo Party" where we would spend all day drinking, eating, and having people line up to get tattooed. This was Matt's birthday present, so I saved up money all summer for it...he's pretty excited about it, and I think it looks great. Of course, I'm dating a geeky gamer, so he got the logo of his favorite comic book character tattooed on his left shoulder blade. He was a trooper though...it was big for his first tattoo, and took about 2 and a half hours total (breaks included).

I broke into the cooking arena this week! Made my first stir-fry for dinner (which also yielded enough for awesome leftovers the next day) and it was delicious! Zucchini and squash with freshly ground pepper and sea salt, and dried basil, then when that was almost done cooking, layered tomato slices on top of the mixture and sprinkled shredded Havarti cheese on top. Served it over brown rice, which I think I didn't cook long enough because it was a little hard. Oh well, couldn't be Bobby Flay my first time out in the kitchen, but it was edible and I found it delicious!

I was also able to get a lot done this past week, which I've noticed always puts me in a great mood. When I'm productive and efficient, I'm always happier. Got the rest of my stuff unpacked, organized the hall closet, was able to put away all my kitchen stuff, and did a bunch of random errands.

I'm feeling good about next week!

"I am the Alpha Bear! Grrr! Grrr! Bears say 'grrr,' right?"

Today's Note from the Universe:

People who give, Barbara, are given to.

People who care, are cared for.

And people who love... age slower, run faster, jump higher, eat healthier, tend to live in cottages, are as happy with friends as they are alone, climb more trees, skip when they could walk, kiss when they could talk, take the odd Friday off, experience faster manifestations, and are really popular with animals.

And you're just the sort, Barbara, we'd expect to find with lots of friends, in a tree, on an island you named after your last squirrel.

Love, baby -
The Universe

The Great Vegetarian Debate

So, I went to the doctor for a check-up and discussed becoming a vegetarian and the running program I want to start.

Here is basically what she had to say: while she has nothing against vegetarians, I shouldn't have my heart set on being a vegetarian for the rest of my life. As I mentioned in a previous post, my body can sometimes overload on sugar, and I have to go on a detox diet of strictly meat and vegetables, cutting out all grains, sugar (including fruit!), etc. I gradually re-introduce these all back into my diet, but the point is: she said I shouldn't be hard on myself for not being a strict no-meat-ever-vegetarian. That I need to accept that occasionally, I have to eat meat for my health and body and to keep my system in check...and that it may not be a bad idea to do that for 4-5 days every month anyway, and just be vegetarian the rest of the month. Or eat meat every once in a while when I am at someone's house or out, but follow a vegetarian diet during the week when I am cooking for myself. That was the food/health part of it. The other part was starting a running regimen - while she agreed that it's a good idea and a great way to stay in shape, running is hard on the body and since I have had foot surgery, may be difficult for me to do several times a week. What I call my "surgery foot" does not bend as easily as my other, and is very sensitive to temperature changes. Swells when it starts getting warm, and grows frigid and stiff when it starts cooling down. I noticed at the gym last week on the treadmill that it actually started to go numb after a while, forcing me to slow down and stretch it out.

So all in all, I was prepared to leave her office very depressed. Basically, having this grand "get healthy" plan for myself, just to have someone in the medical field tell me not to do it. I love my doctor though (ok, technically, she's a nurse practitioner, but I adore her...she's amazing) for this reason: at the end of her speech, she basically said the following: "This is not to discourage you. This is to remind you what your limitations are, and some things you need to watch. That does not mean you cannot do this though. You can eat healthy and be a flexitarian (someone who follows an 80% vegetarian lifestyle, and eats meat maybe 20% of the time), and still make conscious choices about what you're putting in your mouth. And you can exercise and get fit. You just are going to have to do it differently. And there is no right or wrong way to do anything, and there is no one way that is going to work for everyone."

I basically wanted to hug her at this point. So the gist of this whole thing? I need to do what is best for me and my body, and not worry about what I can't do. Yes, I love animals and am horrified at the mis-treatment of the animals that become our food. I also feel a lot of our food is prepared in un-sanitary conditions. I also cannot mistreat myself. So I may eat meat when I feel like it (probably not during the week when I'm cooking for myself), and I need to feel ok with that. (Not to mention that all of the vegetarian books I've been reading the last two weeks advised new veggies to do it gradually, not cold-turkey as I did. Whoops.) And I would love to become a "runner," but if I am going to hurt myself in the process, it's not worth it. I can go walking, or do yoga, or do low-impact cardio and strength machines at the gym. I will get the same result. The goal of this project (and more specifically this month) is to be healthier. I am already exercising more than I usually do. And eating FAR more healthier than I usually do. So why strive to be perfect at both of these resolutions, when instead, I can just do what is best for me?

And she's back!

Blogger was giving me errors all weekend...even the post I made about all the errors took me a few tries to post. Very frustating!

Project updates:
- Have not worked out since Thursday night. Yikes. However, I feel many calories were burned chasing my boyfriend's daughter around on Labor Day. And power-walking through my 3 hours of post-work errands this evening.
- Speaking of errands, got a LOT done organization-wise this evening. Finally bit the bullet and went lamp-shopping for my room (which has only one dim light in front of the closet.) Found a nice floor lamp on clearance for $9, and a really cute table lamp on clearance for $11. Each lamp is going in opposite corners of my room, and now, I finally had enough light to go through the huge stack of vegetarian cookbooks by my bed that were about to be overdue at the library.
- Grabbed this week's groceries, including the ingredients to make a stir-fry tomorrow night for dinner. I had to pull myself away from the cooler of hummus, as I am now obsessed. I will limit myself to trying only one new kind per week, then keep mental notes of my favorites. This week? Athenos brand of Greek-style hummus made with olive oil. Yum!
- Tomorrow marks the last day of my Gold's Gym trial. I'll be talking to my trainer about a possible short-term membership. I forget if I've mentioned this before or not, but I found out I get a "get fit" discount through my company, so I could actually get a very affordable membership.

Houston, we have a problem...

So I have run into errors and technical issues with Blogger ALL weekend. I'm hoping it will be fixed in a couple days, so that I can continue posting. Not only has it not let me post, but it has also eaten the saved drafts I had of this weekend's posts.

Just FYI...

Because these things will change, can you feel it now?

From Notes from the Universe:

The ease of change, Barbara, is directly proportional to one's willingness to reconsider what's best for themselves. Because when change comes it always means there's something better.

I say let it be easy -
        The Universe

Ode to Bananas

(So, Blogger apparently hates the bHappy project because when I tried to post yesterday, I kept getting an error about a "technical glitch" and they were sorry for any inconvenience. Pfft...you weren't sorry Blogger! Anyway, this is yesterday's (Friday's) post. I will update again later today for a proper Saturday post.)

I used to hate bananas. Actually, hate is too kind of word. Loathe would be more appropriate. My mom hates when we talk about the role bananas played in our childhood, because as we tell, she would climb on top of the dinner table and physically shove them down our throats. Which totally happened...ok, I'm kidding...sort of. I did grow up with bananas pretty much every night for dinner. My mom thinks they are "the Jesus of fruits," as my sisters and I put it, and we were each given one with dinner. A lot of times, these were not the bright, golden bananas of Dole commercials, but brown-spotted almost-ready-for-banana-bread ones. I understand that when you're raising three kids, throwing out ripened bananas probably is not very cost-affective. They're 69 cents/lb. though today. I'm sure they were even cheaper back in the 90's.

"Just cut out the bruises," she'd say as we sat there staring at our bruised banana, while dad gulped down his as well. When I was in high school, I finally had enough gumption to tell her that I would officially not be accepting bananas as my required side of fruit for dinner, that I would find something else. So I would then eat pineapple, pears, applesauce, etc., and for years afterwards, the smell of a banana would make me gag.

Enter the healthy living blog community. You know how many bananas these people pack away? Bananas are in everything! Breads, vegan overnight oats, banana "soft serve," etc. I decided to be brave, and try one. I selected a very bright yellow, perfectly un-blemished banana and decided to try it on my way to my hometown one weekend. I remember the text exchange with my boyfriend after I did:

Me: GUESS WHAT I JUST DID?
Matt: Lol, what?
Me: I ATE A BANANA!
Matt: Yay baby, I'm proud of you!
Me: AND I LIKED IT.
Matt: Haha, see, they're not bad. =P

I also called my mom at work to tell her the good news. Since then, I've eaten 1-2 bananas for breakfast, usually supplemented with an apple. I have run into problems though. My banana has to be slightly under-ripe. Once they start developing brown spots, turn soft, and have bruises, I will gag upon opening them. I still can't stand to get the little "strings" inside on my fingers, or the banana to mush on my hand at all.

It's a work in progress, people.

Let's get physical, physical!

One of the things going around the "healthy living" blogging community is posting a sweaty picture of yourself post-workout. Gotta be proud of the sweat and red, shiny faces! So here's mine. =)

Tonight's Workout:
- 20 minutes cardio on Arc Trainer
- 4 reps of 10 on leg press, set at 120 lbs.
- 10 curls at 35 lbs. on the bicep curl
- 20 minutes (1 mile) on the treadmill

The bicep curls were pitiful folks! I have no upper arm strength, and the only reason I had it set at 35 lbs. is because the pin wouldn't go all the way in to the 20 lbs. hole. Hehe. I managed (barely!) to make it through 10, although if I'm being honest, that last curl would probably only count as a half. Much different story on the leg press though! I have strong legs, and I set it a little lower than I could actually do so I wouldn't strain myself the first time using a leg press again. I loooooove the Arc Trainer. It's kind of like an elliptical, but smaller and more compact, and more mimics running. Shane (my trainer) had suggested I do most of my cardio on that since it's low-impact because of my foot. And he's right...after a while on the treadmill at the end, my foot was starting to swell and throb.

All in all, I kind of love getting all sweaty and feeling like I accomplished a lot, then coming home and treating myself to an icy shower. Ahhh....

Tag, I'm it!

I was tagged by my friend Kim to fill out a blog survey. So tonight's post is about getting to know me a bit!

1) What is your favorite song of the moment? Eminem's song with Rihanna, "Love the Way You Lie." I listen to it on repeat...I just love it.

2) Favorite Halloween Candy? Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I'm actually really picky about candy. I don't like anything other than plain chocolate or chocolate/peanut butter mixtures.

3)If your life was a movie what genre would you want it to be? (Romance? Action? Sci-Fi?) Totally a Rom-Com. (Romantic Comedy)

4) Angel or Spike? (if you don't get this reference, that's okay I forgive you. Just put down Oz and we'll call it even!) I feel you shouldn't be friends with people who don't understand this reference, haha! And I'm a TOTAL Angel girl!

5) If you could be a cartoon character who would you be? Wow, is it sad that I'm totally drawing a blank on this one? For the life of me, I cannot think of one cartoon that I would want to be in.

6) Favorite Disney movie? The Little Mermaid, it's been my favorite my entire life! As a kid, I had the sleeping bag, night shirt, and full bed set.

7) Twitter or Facebook? Facebook, definitely. Twitter is fun, but doesn't hold my attention long. I also tend to skim most of it.

8) And finally, if you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life. Never mind the calories or anything, you can just have this one thing, what would it be? Bagels and Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Best snack ever.

Better watch me shine...

So now it's time to show
I'll prove I'm gonna be
The best I can be
- "Watch Me Shine," Joanna Pacitti

I'm writing this fresh out of my post-workout shower. I actually loved  Gold's Gym. I went in thinking I'd take advantage of the free fitness evaluation and 7-day trial, then leave. I really, really liked it though. I love my personal trainer, Shane. He made me feel VERY comfortable (which is saying a lot, since he had to weigh me and measure me in yoga pants and a sports bra), understands what about fitness is most important to women (spoke about motivating yourself by hanging up your favorite cute shirt or something in a smaller size somewhere you can see it everyday before you work out), and really tailored my experience to what I was there for. We talked a lot about the foot surgery I had in college and how that would play into my fitness regimen. He said that when he makes a membership offer, they are only allowed to let you get that cheap rate for 24 hours, and they're supposed to offer it at the tour. He's letting me do the free trial and will offer it at the end so I'll have time to see if Gold's is really right for me. While I really like it and everything it offers, I won't sign up unless it truly fits into my budget. More on that in another post though...

Today is the first official day of the bHappy Project! Funnily enough, today has been a crummy day. Stressed at work, arguing with the boyfriend, and while I love the rain, it's not fun to run around in it all day in heels and a suit. Ah well. I actually loved being able to go to the gym, plug in my iPod, run for 25 minutes, then come home to a cold shower, tall glass of water, and banana.

Let's review the resolutions, shall we? Organize, Start Blog, and Healthy Body.

- Well, a big CHECK to start blog! I will be blogging daily throughout the project, and really want to be able to get creative with it. Pictures, quotes, different types of posts, etc.

- The second resolution is to organize. I really should have done this BEFORE I moved, but we won't spend time over details. I have too much stuff. Really, I shouldn't talk about how poor I am when I have two closets, an entire room of stuff, my walk-in closet at my parents' still full of stuff, and then about 8-12 boxes in my parents' storage unit. My Oma just told me she is having a garage sale the first weekend in October, so this is perfect for having the entire month to clean out, get rid of stuff, and prepare everything for either Goodwill or the garage sale. Part of organizing is to prepare a to-do list that I will be compiling this week of random things that I keep meaning to do, but just "haven't gotten around to." They get done this month. Period.

- Healthy body! So far, I've been doing great on the inside part of this. I became a vegetarian almost 2 weeks ago, and haven't had meat since. I actually discussed this with my mom, dad, and Matt over dinner this weekend. My mom told me it's ok if I want to permanently give up meat, but it's ok if I change my mind too. That's good to hear, because sometimes when you make a big declaration like "I'm no longer eating meat!" it's hard to come back from that if you change your mind. I still feel a lot of meat is unhealthy, but I also have a condition where I can overload on sugar far too easily and it causes problems with my body. When I start showing symptoms, I go on a no-bread, no-sugar diet. Which excludes fruit too. So basically, all I eat is plain meat and veggies for a week to detox and get my system back in check. You know how hard it will be if this happens and I can only survive on veggies? I'm sure that's healthier, and do-able, but I would be miserable. And I am not going to pretend like I won't be. So yes, I'm trying vegetarianism. Right now, it's working for me. If I decide that eventually, it's not for me, or my body needs something different, I will make changes and there's no reason I cannot still be healthy with those changes. Whole Foods regularly has grass-fed beef on sale. So if I'm going to eat meat every once in a while, I can have humanely grown and killed cows that were fed on grass and not given growth hormones or antibiotics. Much healthier, and I feel like my animal-loving karma is still in tact. Whew, that was a long wind on that. In short, my conversation with my parents just vocalized what I know, but needed someone to tell me: these decisions are mine to make, and just as easily mine to change. Otherwise, I'm eating much better now. Fruit every morning for breakfast, veggies or whole-grain toast with hummus and tomato paste for lunch, similar dinner or eggs, etc. I took my "hot pot" to work so that I can boil water at my desk for green tea...I'm giving up all beverages other than tea and water. If I have something like tea to drink at work, I won't be tempted to go for the free coffee they have freshly brewed all throughout the day. Now to the outside part of healthy body: I hesitate to make a fitness plan this week until I decide what I am doing about Gold's Gym. However, regardless of what I specifically do after that decision, I want three workouts during the week, and at least one kind of exercise on the weekend while I'm visiting my boyfriend/family, i.e., 30-minute walk, run on my parents' treadmill, etc.

So that's the plan folks! I know this first month is going to be a little boring probably since it's just kind of dipping my toe into the project, but hopefully, I can keep posts different and fresh. Believe me, the resolutions I have for other months require a lot more work and a lot more "putting myself out there." I'm excited to get started!

Just another manic Monday...

Today was one of those weird emotional days, where you don't know why you're weepy, but you just are.

Around 8:30am or so, when I realized it was my baby sister's first day of college, I started tearing up. I sat there and remembered our middle sister and I sitting her down in our play room when she was in pre-school and yelling "Pay attention Katie!" as we wrote out words for her to sound out, or simple math equations for her to solve. When she started bringing home boyfriends, I told my boyfriend that it made me almost sick to my stomach.

"She's too young to have boyfriends!" I exclaimed.
"You started having boyfriends at that age too," he pointed out.
"But she's the baby," I tried to rationalize.

He was actually working close to my work today (he travels for his job), and I was supposed to go visit him over my lunch break. His team finished a lot earlier than usual, so they headed back home before I was able to get off work. I had to run to the bathroom so I wouldn't be crying at my desk.

Then I came home (to my new home) after work, which threw me for a loop. I got lost trying to go the back way (instead of the highway in rush-hour traffic), I couldn't find the grocery store, and when I got here, my room isn't completely put together. I felt sad and alone, and this big change I've felt so positive about for a month now suddenly felt like the completely wrong thing to do.

Basically, this entire day boiled down to me being upset at change. It's hard for me to think of my baby sister going to college, when I feel like it was just yesterday I was there and she was sending me letters about mom and dad fixing hamburgers that night for dinner. Or expecting to see my boyfriend, and having my plans change without my say-so. Or not being familiar with my new area and not having everything in my room in its exact place yet.

It'll all get there. In a way, I'm excited about getting to visit my sister at college and be the "older sister living in the big city." I get to see Matt in four more days, and it's a long weekend, so we'll have more time than usual to spend together. And just like I adjusted when I first moved to this area last year, I'll eventually find the grocery store and gas station. My September part of this project was exactly for this - organizing my new life, getting out there and being more active in my new surroundings.

Here's hoping I don't keep crying over it.

Getting closer...

Only a few days away from my bHappy Project officially beginning! Some updates:

- A guy from Gold's Gym called to confirm my fitness evaluation and free trial membership. Whoo!

- What will make that less mortifying is the fact that I stepped on the scale at my parents' house and found out I've lost eight pounds this past month without even really trying yet.

- Got all moved in today! Matt set up my computer (de-fragged it and did something else, and now it seems to be working again!), so now I can blog from home. I even had time to put away a lot of my stuff so that I won't come home to a room filled with boxes.

- I currently have 13, that's right THIRTEEN, books checked out from the public library. And 10 of them are vegetarian cookbooks. Basically, I'm going through them to "test out" the books...if I find some that I absolutely love and have more than 5 recipes I would immediately try, I can put them on my Amazon wishlist for future presents. I will probably make a book list post at some point, as soon as I have the titles I will be actively using for September.

- I have officially been meat-free for 11 days! Only had two times when I kinda had craving pangs - once when I was leaving Cactus Grill and I could smell the steak next door, and then today, when Matt and I went out to brunch and he had a stack of delicious-looking bacon on his plate. I ignored it though, stuffed a rice ball in my mouth and was fine within a few moments.

- I'm excited because I found out that the Couch to 5K Running Program actually has free podcasts you can download from iTunes to put on your iPod. They're set to music, and will actually tell you when to switch to running or walking. That way, I don't have to worry about trying to time myself, or actually carry the workout plan with me to tell me what to do. It's even more fun for iPhone users (I'm looking at you mom!) because the C25K has several low-cost apps that do your timing, lets you sync up your own music with the program, etc.

Lost my blogging streak...

A panicked Facebook wall post from my sister reminded me that I didn't update yesterday. Whoops. In all fairness to myself, the project hasn't technically started yet, so I'm still good with my resolution of blogging daily. =P I mainly started the blog early so I could get into the groove of finding time to write every day. It still bums me out that I forgot yesterday though...I was on such a roll!

Today is moving day. I took my last load of random stuff and bedding over to the new house yesterday, and now all that is left at the old house is my desk, chair, entertainment stand, TV, and dust bunnies. Matt and I will be shipping out around 9 to head back to the KC area, take the two loads of furniture over, take advantage of him being there by forcing sweetly asking him to set up all electric-themed items, then I'm taking him out to lunch for helping me move.

Frankly? I'm super excited about moving. It's nice that I will still be in the same general area, just in a new place. So I get to re-organize, have a nice "fresh start" for my project, and I will also be living very close to one of my old co-workers, so I am hoping that will prompt us to start hanging more.

(I will try to post something of more substance tomorrow, when I have time. This was kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants update, more than an actual blog entry.)

On moving forward...

Today's Note From the Universe:

Sure, there have been surprises. Some, not so fun.

But you have to admit, Barbara, with hindsight, moving forward was actually easy.

And there have been surprises that suddenly changed your entire life for the better, and there will be many more. Jumanji, baby.

Something worth remembering,
The Universe

I’ll be up in the gym, just working on my fitness!

I am excited that I have two plans for the “fitness” part of next month’s resolutions. First off, I follow a blog called Money Saving Mom. They advertised a deal with Gold’s Gym for a 7-Day Free VIP Membership! This includes a free preliminary fitness evaluation and 7 days free use of Gold’s Gym. There are also group fitness classes (such as kick-boxing, pilates, etc.) you can sign up for. I signed up, made a fitness evaluation appointment for September 1st, and printed out my coupon to take with me. Now, if I am going to be honest, I do not have extra in the monthly budget to be able to afford a gym membership. Especially when running, my Yoga DVDs, and 3lb. weights are free. I am taking advantage of the offer though, because 1) it’s free, 2) the fitness evaluation will give me a jump-start to what I need to do to start exercising regularly and show what my beginning stats are, and 3) see how I like Gold’s Gym for a possible future membership when I have some of my debt paid off. (Most of my local friends who have gym memberships go to 24-Hour Fitness, so I am curious to see what Gold's Gym is like.)

My second plan is the Couch to 5K Challenge. It is a 9-week running program that "has been designed to get just about anyone from the couch to running 5 kilometers or 30 minutes in just 9 weeks." By alternating running and walking, and slowly building up to the eventual 5K, a lot of people have found success by gradually warming up to the idea of running. I have always toyed around with the idea of beginning to run, as it’s free, something I can do in the mornings before work, and it’s a stress-reliever. (Which I desperately need!) I was just nervous because I have never run before. I am a walker. I only run if I’m trying to get to the other side of the street before the crosswalk timer ends or something scary is chasing me. So the C25K Challenge got me excited…I could do this!

Let's hear it for the boy (and fam!)...

“That’s the risk you take if you change: that people you’ve been involved with won’t like the new you. But other people who do will come along.”
– Lisa Alther, author

Matt (the boyfriend) and I are not without our rough periods. It took a long time to get to where we are today, and we’re continually working on our relationship. (I think that’s a good thing! Never become too complacent with how things are, or one day, you’ll wake up and realize you don’t know the person standing beside you.) However, I can confidently say that now, I have a wonderful, kind, understanding, committed boyfriend who is always concerned with my happiness.

“I’m starting a happiness project! And a blog!” – me
“That’s awesome, baby, I’m excited for you!” – Matt

“I’m going to start running!” – me
“I’m proud of you!” - Matt

“I’m becoming a vegetarian!” – me
“Uhh…I can still eat meat, right?” – Matt (well, I didn't say he was perfect)
“Sure! This is my choice.” – me
“That’s great baby, I’m proud of you!” – Matt

See? Other than some light teasing every once in a while about the vegetarian thing, every crazy proclamation I have thrown at him the last few weeks has resulted in him being supportive, excited for me, and eager to help. Which brings me to the quote I posted: sometimes, the fear of how people will respond to your “big change” is scarier than the change itself. It is difficult to tell someone else that you dislike something about yourself, point out your flaws, and then announce that you are going to try and change them. First off, flaws feed our insecurities. Why put those insecurities out there for someone else to focus on? Secondly, you’re announcing that you’re going to change them. What if you fail? Then everyone knows.

I was terrified of announcing to Matt that I was starting something that sounds as silly as “a happiness project,” much less putting it on the internet for people to see. I was nervous about telling my family. I am a pretty independent person. I keep my stuff to myself most of the time. So to tell everyone that I want to make all these changes, put it on the internet, and involve them too, well…it’s a little nerve-wracking. You’d be surprised though at how much the people who love you will support you. Matt has been easy-going about purchasing his own meat and waiting a little longer at meals so I can fix my own “fake” meat or meat-less version of what I'm fixing for him. When I mentioned my blog to my family, my mom and dad immediately sat down to read it. Both of them, plus my younger sister, have started following me on their Google Readers. (Hi guys!)

Change is scary. The ones you love and who love you embracing your change and cheering you on makes it a lot less scary. Thank you guys.

I'll be working here forever, at least until I die...

Today was one of those days that tested my patience. It's funny because I'm not even working on some of my "resolutions" yet since I haven't technically started my project, but some of them are always swirling in my head. So today, it was one thing after another, and yet, I kept calming myself down. Getting upset at the phone continually ringing, and then reminding myself it wasn't that important. Getting frustrated because Matt's cell signal kept dropping when I was trying to vent to him, then reminding myself it wasn't his fault. Getting overwhelmed at my to-do list, then reminding myself I do this everyday and it's not enough to get stressed over.

I originally planned on a night of running stuff over to my new house, but after one carload, I decided my mental health was more important and spent the evening with my friend/co-worker Heidi. We got dinner, shopped at Whole Foods, and had an awesome low-key evening. I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow and get everything done and hopefully, be less stressed.

Expanding on September's resolutions...

September is ENERGIZE

Theme Song: “Watch Me Shine” – Joanna Pacitti

- Organize/To Do List
- Blog daily.
- Healthy Body.

Theme Song: First off, I love this song. For you fellow chick-flick watchers out there, it's the big "blonde power montage theme" from the movie Legally Blonde. It is on every workout/motivation playlist I have ever created, so I thought it would be fitting for my "get organized/get fit and healthy/get excited for this project" first month.

Organize/To Do List: Once I move into my new place this coming weekend, I will compile a to-do list that I plan to cross everything off of by the end of the month, organize my new room, hall closet, and kitchen space, and organize every nook and cranny I can find in my life. I will stop putting off organizing my car trunk, I need to clean out all my clothes and shoes, etc. Nicer items will be added to the garage sale pile in my old closet at my parents' house, and the rest will put points towards my karma by being donated at my local Goodwil/shelter.

Blog daily: So far, so good, and September hasn't even started yet! This does not necessarily mean long posts. I may just update a quick blurb with a quote I have been thinking of lately, or something I noticed that I want to bring attention to.

Healthy Body: Ah yes. This includes both fitness and diet.

First off, I became a vegetarian this past week. It actually wasn't too much of a struggle. I rarely eat meat during the week, and for the most part, eat meat-less meals when we go to restaurants on the weekends. However, to save money and eat healthier, my boyfriend and I have stopped going out and instead, cook all meals at his place on the weekends. I gave up meat for both the health and ethical aspects. If someone wants to actually talk to me about my reasonings, I will gladly share it with them, otherwise, I am not going to push my new beliefs on others. I happily fixed a sausage pizza for Matt alongside the tomato pizza for myself Friday night (as long as he purchased the meat!), and today, I'm fixing him meatball subs, while I fix a smaller pot of veggie "meat"balls for myself. So we're making it work, and I find it is only difficult when I think "oh, I CAN'T have this," rather than realize I make a lot of the same diet choices, now I'm just choosing to go meatless more often.

I purchased a nice food processor yesterday, and had Matt and my dad help me get all of my kitchen appliances/cookware out of the storage unit to put at my new place. I have been compiling tasty vegetarian recipes (I actually want to do this the right, healthy way, not become the vegetarian who gives up meat and only eats mac'n'cheese, French fries, and cheese pizza all the time.) in a recipe binder I made, and I am hoping by having all of these things around me, it inspires me to cook all the time.

The fitness one is something I will be working on as I go along. I would like to start running, but since I haven't run in...*mumbles something intelligible*...I think I should do a couple weeks of power walking before I step it up.

In the midst of all this, I am adding books to my reading list to brush up on life organization, fitness, vegetarianism, cooking, etc. I'm getting excited for my new life!

Just what I needed...

I subscribe to a daily email service called Notes from the Universe. When you sign up, you fill in your name, some goals you have, etc. Everyday, it sends you a personalized "reminder of your power, life's magic, and how much you're loved."

Today's was:

"If you want better from others, Barbara, be better yourself."

Exactly my goal with this project. =)

My Commandments...

1) Be me.
2) Wherever you go, there you are.
3) Forget the past.
4) Begin within.
5) Count your blessings.
6) Don’t worry, be happy.
7) Be fearless.
8) Remember love.
9) You can’t take it with you.
10) Enjoy the journey.


1) “Be me.” Gretchen Rubin’s first commandment is “Be Gretchen.” I feel like I cannot have “Be Barbara” though, because the people who call me Barbara are mostly co-workers, strangers, acquaintances, etc. My family, boyfriend, and close friends call me Barbie. I have various other nicknames by other people, each reflecting how I am with them. So I chose “Be me.” A major theme in Gretchen’s book is how we like or do a lot of things that be think we should like or do, because that is more sophisticated, accepted, etc. This commandment is for me to be myself and only like and do things that I want to do. Frankly, I cannot stand most indie music that all the "intellectuals" listen to. Music is my happy, comfort retreat. I don’t want to listen to a guy in thick-rimmed glasses and an American Apparel henley strumming on his acoustic about peace or war. Honestly, I want to listen to Taylor Swift sing about Romeo and Juliet or Miley Cyrus sing about the 7 things she hates/loves about Nick Jonas. This one, while it’s a continual work in progress, is something I’ve actually worked on a lot in the past year. I am more myself than I ever have been, and that makes me genuinely happy because I’m not trying to change for anyone else.

2) “Wherever you go, there you are.” My pa-pa used to say this all the time. Sometimes just at random after you’d finish telling him a story. When I was younger, I didn’t quite understand it. I just thought it was one of those funny grown up sayings that got a big chuckle out of the other grown ups in the room. Now that my Barbies and Easy Bake Oven aren’t the most important things in my life, I realize that it’s about working with what you’ve got. Wherever you go, wherever you are in life…well, that’s where you are. Deal with it. You can’t close your eyes and magically wish you were something/someone/somewhere else. Deal with what you have and make the most of it, because there you are.

3) “Forget the past.” This will be my mantra throughout October, when I’m working on my relationship with my boyfriend. And something I’ll go over more then. Just know that I’m working on it, and though the past helps you not repeat mistakes, you also have to live in the moment and not dwell on things that are not the same as they once were. It’s pointless.

4) “Begin within.” This is a spin off Michael Jackson’s epic song about taking a look in the mirror and starting with that, instead of pointing fingers at someone else. Whenever I have a problem, I need to begin within. Figure out why I’m upset about it, what I can do to change it. The biggest thing I’ve learned in the last two years is that you can only change one person on this planet, and that’s yourself.

5) “Count your blessings.” I live penny-to-penny, yes. I complain about having to save up money for my boyfriend’s birthday present or having to turn down an extra vacation with old college friends because I cannot afford it. What I should be thinking of instead is that my paycheck covers everything. I’m able to afford a car payment, gas, full coverage auto and renter’s insurance, two student loans, credit card bill (which I do not use anymore and am just paying off, thanks to Dave Ramsey!), a cell phone with internet and texting, rent with utilities, groceries, and have enough left over TO save for birthday presents, future trips, etc. And if an emergency pops up where I need extra money? I’m blessed with parents who are always willing to help out. A lot of people in this world don’t have that…and for that, I am truly blessed.

6) “Don’t worry, be happy.” I need to stop stressing, over-analyzing, and worrying. What good does it do me?

7) “Be fearless.” I was inspired by the idea of being fearless so much that I tattooed it on my ankle to be reminded of it forever. A lot of people make fun of my tattoo, because I’m a nervous, scaredy-cat that took forever to even tell my parents about my tattoo. To them, that isn’t the definition of fearless. And to go along with commandment #1 and quoting someone who I love, Taylor Swift says it best: "To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost." And so on. =)

8) “Remember love.” I think most people in relationships get swept up in the day-to-day monotony of being in one that they forget why they’re together in the first place. Love. Is it really worth my aggravation when my boyfriend complains about how tired he is, then stays up until 4 in the morning anyway? Or worth me getting frustrated and taking that out on him when his kid’s mom doesn’t show up again? Or me flying off the handle when he sits there waiting for me to get ready to go somewhere, then when I'm ready, we have to wait 10 minutes for him to find shoes and socks and keys? No. I still love him, that’s not going to change. And what does me being angry solve? Nothing.

9) “You can’t take it with you.” I’m a saver. I save things. That bottle of Clinique Happy perfume I bought with my 16th birthday money? As my first bottle of “grown up perfume,” I’ve clung to it for years. Used it 4 times in 6 years: junior and senior proms, high school and college graduations. It’s “the good stuff” and I don’t want to waste it on normal days when I can use cheaper body spray. But why? Why not make every day special? When I die, what’s the use of leaving behind a ¾ filled bottle of perfume that I didn’t get to appreciate? You can’t take it with you, so might as well enjoy it while you can.

10) “Enjoy the journey.” My biggest struggle. My dad told me in college that I practically refuse to see “the middle stuff.” My brain is so focused on the final at the end of the semester, that I can’t take the class day-by-day and do what needs to be done to get there. Same with life. I feel this intense need to solve every possible issue my boyfriend and I could have RIGHT NOW, because what happens when we’re married? First off, that’s not for 2+ years. Why waste the precious dating years we have with worrying about custody, and kids, and what city we’re going to live in? Eventually, we have to solve those things, but since we’ve decided we’re doing “forever,” we really don’t have to solve them right now. Enjoy the journey, and stop focusing on the end.

The Plan...

I am very influenced by music and lyrics. Put on a happy song and I’ll become happier, put on a depressing song, and I’ll think about something sad from 2 years ago that I have gotten over, but yet I’ll sit there and be depressed. You get the picture. Music also motivates me – I have tons of playlists on my computer for different moods. Working out, calming, in love, etc. So I decided to have music play a large theme in the bHappy Project (the title style of which also mimics the Apple trend of iTunes, iPod, etc.) and assign a song to each month’s theme to motivate me. I also liked Gretchen Rubin’s idea in The Happiness Project to use the word “resolutions,” instead of “goals.” Once you hit a goal, you’re there. You don’t work towards it any longer, unless you set a new goal to follow. Resolutions are something you resolve to do and stick with.

So here is how the bHappy Project will be structured:
- Each month has a theme.
- Each month has a motivational song that ties in with the theme.
- Within each theme, I will have a set of “resolutions” to work on that month that tie in with the theme.
- Each month (since one of my recent ideas for free fun that I love to do was get a public library card), I will be reading books that tie into my theme, which I will also discuss in my blog.
- Randomly, I will post lyrics, quotes, inspiring ideas, etc., that I come across that helps in my motivation. You will soon realize I love quotes. Love them. I have sticky notes displayed in my room with inspiring quotes, I have multiple Word documents on my computer filled with random quotes, etc. I love dwelling on an idea that helps change or reinforce my mood or ideas.
- Some (like Gretchen Rubin) would think that starting “a year of change” would begin in January. I have been in school for 17 out of my 24 years. Though I graduated college almost two and a half years ago (that thought makes me want to throw up, time flies so fast!), I still have the “school year” mentality. Every September, it was a fresh start. New school supplies, new teachers, new things to learn. I have never looked at January as the start of anything but a new calendar year and resolutions I would break within 2 weeks. September is when I always start fresh, make lasting changes, and start a year of difference. So luckily, that fits perfectly with my project that I decided this in August. So my “new year” is starting September 1st.

I will only be posting one month’s theme and resolutions at a time, when the month is nearing. After I planned out the themes for the year, I found myself wanted to tackle them all, so I put away the list to try and “forget” what the rest of the year looks like so I can concentrate on one month’s resolutions at a time.

On to September...

September: ENERGIZE
Theme Song: “Watch Me Shine” – Joanna Pacitti

- Organize/To Do List
- Blog daily.
- Healthy Body.

Behind the bHappy Project...

For the past month or so, I have wanted a change. I am moving to the next suburb over in a week and a half and I decided that would be my start date. Moving into a house with better airflow (hence not being so discouraged to go running or walking outside in 100-degree weather just to come back to an 80-degree house), and more space (I will have room to drag my college kitchen appliances out of storage and actually use them to prepare healthy food other than grilled cheese sandwiches and Spaghetti-O’s), and cheaper rent ($150 extra per month for more fruits and veggies, to put towards a Polar USA fitness watch/blender/food processor), and overall, the feeling of “a fresh start.”

Piggy-backing on my desire to learn how to cook things other than grilled cheese sandwiches and pasta bakes, exercise to burn off the past year of grilled cheese sandwiches and pasta bakes (see this theme of grilled cheese…I seriously probably have about 5-7 a week), and be healthy in general….I want to be happier. I was telling my boyfriend the other night about this. I’m not unhappy, per se, because my life isn’t miserable. Oh, of course, it sometimes seems like my check engine light comes on the same day I was late for work, have an expensive doctor’s appointment, and have $5.63 in my banking account, making me sob inconsolably into the phone about how much my life sucks. Let’s be real though…those days are few and far between. And I’m still here. I still have enough money for rent, and food, and car payments, and student loans, and the occasional movie and dinner combo date. I feel stressed though – constantly rushing, always adding to that mental list rotating through my brain of stuff I want to do “one day.” When does “one day” actually happen? May 17th, 2025? Is that “one day?” Probably not. I will probably greet that day with my list and realize I’m dropping a kid off somewhere, harping on my husband to go to the dentist, coming home to a messy house, and exhausted from work. I, once again, will say “I’ll do these one day, but not today.”

Enter my happiness project. In the midst of me feeling like something has to change – I need to be happier in my day-to-day, stop getting frustrated/annoyed/stressed about little things, be nicer to the people in my life who truly try to make it easier (see mainly: boyfriend, God love him), and be able to do the things I’ve always wanted to do but just never made time for. So all these thoughts and wishes were swirling around in my brain when I got an email from the library saying one of the books on my hold list was available. Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. I had added it to my list a month prior when I was trying to improve my daily happiness. I’ve blazed through it this past week. Gretchen is a lawyer-turned-writer, who decided to devote a year to becoming “happier.” Each month had a theme broken down into individual resolutions that she worked on, trying to carry each month’s resolutions into the next month. By the end of the year, she would have clean closets, make more time to play with her kids, not nag her husband, etc. My OCD mind with my love for writing was instantly hooked. So “My bHappy Project” was born.

This blog will follow my efforts in the next year to become a happier person. In the next few posts, I’ll outline my monthly themes for the year, the “commandments” I came up with to live by, and a few other random lists. Because as we go on, you’ll see I love lists. They make me happy, thus, they’re definitely a big part of the bHappy Project.

So here I go…